Real time pressure.

When it came down to covering an event this weekend, every time I was asked to cover a specific event, I had a mini-panic. It was the first resorts event I tried to cover with some respect to real-time while not being in attendance. It felt like I had to force myself to get excited about certain aspects of the games. I had to write down notes for games that I covered in recaps.

I had to write down notes.

That might be one of the biggest failings that I’ve come to realize as I grow older is the fact that I just flat-out forget details all the time. This is why I’ve re-architeched my workflow at work to incorporate more written notes to myself and outlines in general so I don’t forget to say something important to my point or research that I’m writing up.

The other thought that crosses my mind is the realization that I have less skill than others in the field that I aspire to become a key mover in. I want to give exports journalism as much of a try as the opportunities come at me, but there are points where some of my writing just gets confused and boggled down in editing. For the most part, keeping tenses the same while I’m writing is not at the forefront of my train of thought, however it is important for certain write-ups… like recaps.

The lack of confidence that came from the editors notes from articles I submitted this weekend was quite apparent to people that I interacted with. “You look tired.” “Are you okay?” “Is work treating you alright?”

The first two I generally have responses prepared in reply and the third one is always something along the lines of “I’d be the last person to complain about work.” The latter statement is the truth and nothing but.

I’m sure that any reply to the belief that I’m exhibiting “writer’s block” or explaining that esports is ruining my confidence would only shorten the delay from that point in time to when I’m questioned about feeling depressed.

Of course that’s what it comes down to, isn’t it? Life is about managing stress and depression and cultivating value and confidence. Perhaps I’m just not up to par with the people that I surround myself with.