I thought writing more notes would help me write more posts. I was wrong.


Shortly after I started the lowercase esports podcast, I came to the conclusion a one-man-show podcast that episodes needed to have some sort of structure. Without some sort of very basic order, I found I could not keep the central idea of the episode in mind without forgetting key parts of my argument which, in turn, would shred the quality of the result.

For a time, I tried publishing smaller posts. When an important source would link to something on Twitter, I would throw that tweet into a post and summarize my appraisal of the information or insight that was linked. I was lured into false sense of improving about these posts.

Ultimately, I felt I couldn’t cannibalize the content of my podcast by analyzing my sources two or three paragraphs at a time and publishing them to the blog as if I were shooting from the hip.

I resolved to making notes for themed episodes were I would need to bounce from one major idea to the other.

Of course, I needed someplace to put those notes. I bought a few ruled notebooks and ordered a leather notebook cover.


A short aside as I mention equipment: if you’re serious about writing, get a real implement to write with. Separate it from your normal writing procedure. Don’t use it to sketch with. Don’t use it to write on Post-It notes. Don’t use it to sign your name with. Only use it to write.

And buy a fountain pen. Even a low-end fountain pen like the Preppy is an incredibly solid pen that only a moron or a child could ruin. As The Art Of Manliness puts it:

It makes you feel like a sir. I’ll admit it — one of the appeals of writing with a fountain pen is that it just makes you feel awesome. There’s something about writing with the same implement that Teddy Roosevelt and Winston Churchill used that makes you feel like a true gentleman and scholar.

My initial method ended up being the note taking procedure of choice: every time I had a thought I wanted to save for later or read an article I had an opinion about, I wrote it down in that notebook.

After a few days of exclusively writing notes about various esports happenings and potential goings on, I stopped worrying about the performance of my posts. After a few more days, I stopped posting regularly. Why?

I felt more satisfied being able to recall details about my archived thoughts than I did when I was carelessly pushing articles into the ether.

Now, that might ring out as a tad defeatist, but I’d be lying if I told you I wasn’t. Self-deprecation is something of a way of life for me. I can also tell you it’s helped me develop into quite the social butterfly.

Being satisfied with my working material has invariably led to more confident podcasts. Monologues that used to be scatterbrained are now marginally more focused than they used to be.

Now, even though I’ve finished my first notebook, I still haven’t cracked the code on consistently keeping everything I’ve written out by hand in my mind as I record the podcast. I still have to refer to my notes if I don’t want to reorganize the episode according to what returns to the top of my head as I talk through the subject matter, but I’m feeling better about what I’m doing with the podcast.

So… what about publishing my notes… as posts?

Now, that could work.

A general update.

I can’t remember the last that I sat down and attempted to put any real thought to paper, so to speak, regarding my current situation or my general state of existence in awhile aside from what I end up cryptically tweeting about, so I’m going to give that a shot with this post. I’ll try to write out as much as comes immediately to mind as I can.

  • This blog, bcarr.me
    As far as this blog and what I’m working on here, I definitely realize I’ve slacked off on writing posts and keeping active like I had been originally. I feel like I should be writing a lot more but I think that since I started the podcast, however, I think that penning the thoughts that I share in any given episode of the podcast to a post in the blog would be redundant, all things considered.

  • Fiction writing, incoming
    However, I do have some ideas for longer form writing based on the kick of fiction writing that I see in my Twitter timeline and Medium feed lately. I’m going to add some fiction writing into the mix in the form of a project I’m calling Project Atlas. The concept is instead of taking established characters and crossing them up or summarizing their stories, I’ll attempt to explain the history and importance of a key location from a classic gaming story. My first write up will feature an important location from Front Mission, Huffman Island.

  • Podcast production status
    I released the twenty-third episode of the lowercase esports podcast on Saturday and I think that I’ve finally established a decent production schedule and habit to keep on making episodes. They’re not really being downloaded a lot, but I can say we’re in double digits for users subscribed to the feed using the direct download options (RSS and iTunes). While I haven’t really felt comfortable having guests on the show yet and the extended editions aren’t exactly working out as well when I try to plan them, I’m still enjoying producing the show with a ten-to-fifteen minute episode goals for one topic. I will begin enriching the podcast episode notes to include more information about the source of content mentioned in the show.

  • Realistic expectations for myself
    I don’t want to admit that I’m old compared to a lot of folks that I run into playing the types of games that I do, but I think I am. I don’t have the physical ability to maintain a short sleep schedule so I can play games until two-o’clock in the morning to keep up with the West Coast friends of mine. I’m certainly not any better than “marginally above average” when it comes to skill at most games. This is most apparent in my current CSGO skill grouping, at Gold Nova Master, just on the declining side of the bell curve of skill.

  • Depression
    Not to be too melodramatic about my own mental health, but I think it’s safe to say that I’ve been experiencing a bit of uselessness combined with worthlessness when it comes to self-evalutation. You don’t have to tell me that it’s wrong to think that way, but when I make the clumsy mistake going about everyday tasks, I definitely question my own ability as a human being. Fair to say that I’m working through it, and it’s not as if I’m helpless–it’s just a phase. I’ll get over it, but it’s just one of those things that I thought I’d throw out there.

So, that’s an update on everything that I can think of. I’m still working out the best way to record and/or stream a few PS/PS2 RPGs that I’d like to give a full playthrough to, but that will certainly happen at the cost of CSGO/regular gaming time.

Getting back into the gist of things.

Well, I have been pretty busy with a lot of things lately, but it’s not an excuse to write up what’s been on my mind lately so at least I can keep track of the thoughts in my head.

You’d think that with the work schedule that I have that I’d be able to find the time to write on my own, but that’s certainly not the case as I find that I would be labeled a loner of sorts if I didn’t associate with folks outside of the workplace. Office hours are great… and then everyone else decides to do things in the evenings.

I dunno where I was going with that, but being able to ramble again is a quite refreshing feeling. And at the risk of sounding like a whining emo kid, I have had a lot of my plate in the past two months compared to the stress that I felt over the majority of the year 2011.

But tonight, I write.