I have been in a weird daze these past few weeks when it comes to gaming and esports. GamerGate seems to have taken over the whole industry, paralyzing or sparking people into inaction/action. I’m one of them.

I haven’t really voiced a position on GamerGate because to some folks it’s a cut and dry issue, and to others one can find validity in all of the shades of gray about the situation. The level of bullshit that exists in any discussion about the issue is too damn high. I’m a straight white male and I don’t feel entitled to anything (aside from compliments about my recent haircut because I CUT IT ALL OFF AND DONATED THAT SHIT FUCK YEAH LOCKS OF LOVE o7 m8), but apparently I am entitled by default even though I can’t change that and oh yeah, I should kill myself if I think that women or other minorities are being underrepresented in the industry by the way.

I mean, that’s not even related to playing a game and I feel like it contributes to my exhaustion of the whole thing. It’s a head-spinning mess that I’d rather not think about. So I don’t.

I had been playing Destiny for two to four hours every night and I stopped. But now that the 18 November update has gone out, I feel like I need to put more time into it. I dunno. I’ve been clean for almost a week. I want to really like everything about Destiny. Just not sure that I can.

Esports has been its own little train wreck lately. Between the low points of League of Legends pro players’ throwing racial slurs around like they’re back home on the plantation and the high points of CS:GO rising into its own special place in the spotlight, finding a satisfying topic to expound upon hasn’t been simple for me. Others have certainly thrived, why can’t I?

I think what it comes down to is that while I really want to offer my view on things that are going on in esports, I feel like I can’t do so without going on some sort of uninformed rant—even though you could argue that’s the whole point of this blog. I can’t shake the feeling that my voice is just noise, but I’ve arrived at the conclusion that I have to write what comes to me regardless if I’m going to keep up with anything—be it esports or gaming.

Fuck sleep. Bring back the long nights.